Communicating with a Cactus

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I am a big fan of cactuses, as evidenced by the header on my blog and emails. (By the way, if you’re not signed up for my email list, you can easily do so at the top of the side bar.  You’ll never get more than one email a week from me, and it makes it easy to never miss a post.). Back to cactuses.  I think they are beautiful, unique, and fascinating.  There are as many different kinds of cactuses as there are other types of plants, and they are really hard to kill if you don’t have a green thumb.

The problem with cactuses is that they’re prickly.  My daughter that learned the hard way last year when she was playing in a neighbor’s yard and backed up into one.  Let me tell you, pulling those spines out of her back was not fun for either one of us.

A problem that I see over and over again in my work with families and couples is that they often communicate like cactuses with one another.  (Let’s be honest.  I do this too sometimes.  You probably do this as well.). When my kids use a harsh tone with me, or come at me already defensive about something I often respond by saying, “Whoa! Do you think that using that tone or those words with me is going to get you more of what you want?  I’m not inclined to go out of my way to help someone who is talking to me like that!”  Kids need to learn this lesson, but we need it as adults too.

So often we approach our spouses, and we want them to do something different or sometimes we want them to stop doing something.  But when we approach with anger; when our cactus spines are out on full display, we rarely get more of what we want.  Instead the other person feels defensive (probably rightly so) and responds out of that defensiveness.  That escalates the situation, and since we aren’t getting more of what we want, we hop on the escalation train and pretty soon no one is getting what they want.

What do I want in my marriage?  Connection.

Your answer doesn’t need to be the same, but you need to be able to answer that question with as simple of an answer as that.  There can be a million things that improve connection and another million things that tear it apart.  So I could get really technical and say that I want to be heard, I want help around the house without asking, I want my needs and wants met when they are appropriate, etc.  The truth is all of those things boil down to wanting to feel connected and safe in my relationship.  If connection is my ultimate goal, then approaching my husband like a cactus and letting him run right into my sharp spines (which I learned from my daughter’s experience are barbed on the end and make removal painful!) is not going to get me what I want.

I don’t know why we do this, but we behave this way in relationships all the time.  Actually I do know why we do this.  We do it because we’re hurting, or frustrated, or angry, or anxious, or hungry, or tired, or we didn’t get hugged enough as a kid (that was sort of a joke, but . . .).  We behave this way for a lot of reasons, but having a good reason for doing something doesn’t mean its effective.

If you want greater connection in your marriage, or with your friends, or with other family members then don’t be a cactus when you communicate with them.  The Bible says, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1). Is this easy?  No!  Doing the right thing isn’t usually easy, but it can become easier.  You can train yourself to respond softly to your spouse.  You can remind yourself that you’re friends, not enemies. (You can read more about that here.).

You can’t control your spouse, but you can probably guarantee a healthy dose of anger and disconnection with how you approach them.  If you’re in an abusive relationship, this isn’t going to play out for you the same way.  Sure, there are times that you probably respond harshly, and get a harsh response, but an abuser will always blame you for their harsh response even if you are doing nothing wrong.  You can read more about the truth in abusive relationships on the tab at the top.

Don’t be a cactus in how you communicate.  Just like no one wants to sit on a cactus, no one wants to communicate with one either!

Permission to Rest

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On my way to work yesterday, I was listening to a podcast that I love.  (If you like DIY, home decorating, and humor you need to check out Young House Love, including their podcast.)  Anyway, back to my story.  On this particular episode, Sherry had been dealing with a cold and laryngitis for about a week and you could hear it in her voice.  As I raced down the highway to my office, the thought, “Man, if I were sick with a cold, I could spend a whole day in bed,” floated through my mind.

Rewind to six years ago.  Our youngest was one year old, and we were done having kids.  Both my husband and I were in agreement that two kids was a good number for our family.  I can’t remember what sparked this thought, but I do remember telling my husband that part of me wanted to have another baby.  When he recovered from the shock and terror he was feeling, he asked me why.  (Probably it was more like, “What in the heck are you thinking?”) My reply was, “Well, I don’t actually want to have a baby, but when you have a baby, you get to spend a night in the hospital, and people take care of you, and you get to eat whatever you want like chocolate cake.”  (I don’t know about where you gave birth, but my hospital had amazing food, and obviously I was feeling pretty burned out at the moment.)  I remember my husband saying, “I’ll send you to a hotel for a night with a whole chocolate cake.  It would be cheaper than having another baby.”  The funny thing is, it had never dawned on me that I could get that kind of rest without a “good excuse.”

Why do we have such a hard time resting as women?  Why do we think it’s only okay to spend a day in bed when we’re sick, and it probably doesn’t even feel okay then?  I don’t have the answers to these questions, but maybe those answers don’t even really matter.  Maybe what really matters is the truth that we don’t need a huge, life changing event as an excuse to rest.  We are deserving of rest when we need it.  There are days when my list of things to do is long, but I’m exhausted.  Look, the truth is that on those days I’m probably going to spend some time resting.  The question is whether or not I’ll add guilt to my list of things to do for the day or not.

I would argue that rest with guilt attached to it doesn’t end up feeling very restful to our souls.  My challenge for you this week is to rest without guilt.  Maybe it’s a short nap in the middle of the day even though your kitchen is a disaster (that’s me), maybe it’s doing the work to coordinate a night away with only some chocolate cake as your companion, maybe it’s meeting that friend for coffee even though the laundry is threatening to walk itself over to the washing machine.  Do you know what happens when you don’t rest?  Burn out.  Burn out might land you in bed, but it won’t feel very good.  You can read some of my thoughts how to know when you need to rest and my journey of learning how to rest by clicking these links.

You are allowed to rest.  Don’t decide to have a baby just so you can get a night away from home.  Somehow I think that plan would have backfired on me.  Babies aren’t really the most restful things. 🙂

The Fear in the Wanting

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Have you ever wanted something in your life so badly that you’re almost afraid of it?  You’re afraid, because if you don’t get this thing, you’ll be beyond disappointed.  You’re afraid, because if you admit to other people that you want it, you might look like a fool.  You’re afraid to even admit to yourself how much you want something, because of the pain that will come if you “fail.”

This summer I wrote a book.

(Deep breaths, deep breaths) Up until this moment, eleven people in the whole world knew that . . . and two of them were my kids.

I wrote a book and didn’t tell anyone, because what if I wrote it and then there was nothing?  What if I wrote it, and the only people who ever read it were those 11 people?  Scratch that – five people.  I’ve only let 5 people read it.

Based on this blog, you’re probably thinking that I wrote a book about marriage, or personal growth, or parenting.  Nope!  I wrote a “put on your swimsuit, pull up a beach chair with the drink of your choice” kind of book.  I wrote a novel.

I have poured hours of my life into this project.  Anytime I shared an old post on Facebook instead having a new one that week, it was because I was all written out working on this book.  My family has patiently allowed me to spend hours holed up in my room, or downing iced teas at Starbucks while I worked on something that might turn into nothing.  My friend, Jessica, has endured hours and hours of me sending her chapters, or paragraphs, or sometimes walking down to her house to say, “Can I talk something through with you about the book?”

Seriously, this is what it has been like in my world the last few months.

I wrote a book, and it might turn into nothing.

That statement is like a hot knife sliding through my heart.  Why? Because I love this book.  I love these characters.  They are my babies.  They are my creations.  In some ways, they are me.  And because of that, I have a burning desire in my heart to get this book published.  There I said it, “I wrote a book, and I want to get it published.”

As I’ve been preparing to submit it to literary agents (my self-imposed timeline begins that process in the new year), I have found myself reading agent requirements, or wish lists and a voice inside my head says, “Why you?  No one is going to want to represent this?  It’s just a fun book.  It’s not meaningful.  It’s not deep.  It’s not something Oprah would pick up in a million years.  Why you?”  And in those moments I am crushed with insecurities, and potential, future disappointment.

Today those voices were once again loud in my head when a new voice joined the chorus.  This voice said, “Why not you?”  Whoa!  That voice is a game changer!  Why not you?  Why not me?  Seriously, why not?  Why do I assume that no one will want to read this?  I genuinely enjoy reading it.  I wrote a book I love to read.  Other people have liked reading it.  Why is the default thought in my brain designed to shut down my dreams, and my efforts?  I don’t want to live a life where I end up being the one who holds me back, because I’m too afraid to really want something; because I’m too afraid to chase after my dreams.

Maybe you haven’t written a novel.  Maybe you’re working on improving your health, or fixing your marriage, or becoming a better parent.  Maybe you;re working hard to be kinder to yourself; to give yourself more grace and less judgement.  Maybe you have a passion project that no one else knows about, because sharing it feels too vulnerable.  If you find yourself stuck in the “why me’s” of your life, I want to encourage you to add “why not me?” to the conversation.  You might not be able to control the “why me’s” popping into your mind, (Seriously, I don’t have to summon them.  They come all on their own) but you can choose how you respond to those thoughts.

So, this week as yourself this important question when it comes to the things that you are working hard toward, or that set your soul on fire:  Why not me?  It could be the very thing that keeps you on a path that will lead you straight to your dreams.

(And seriously, if you know a well respected literary agent you want to introduce me to, just let me know 🙂 )

Friendship, Marriage, Masks: Lessons From a Weekend Away

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This past weekend I traveled 1,651 miles (yes, I looked it up) to visit one of my best friends in Minnesota.  We have been trying to see each other once a year, and this year she wasn’t going to be able to escape winter and come visit me.  Instead I came to her.  And it snowed.  Figures.  Actually I really enjoyed the snow anytime we were inside buildings.

We spent the weekend talking, eating, shopping, and more talking.  It was just what I needed.  I returned home Sunday night completely exhausted, but also completely filled up.  I was thinking on the flight home about what lessons this weekend taught me, so I’ve decided to share the random lessons I took away from this weekend with all of you!

  1. Friendship – Ladies, you need friendship with other women.  If you’ve struggled with that in the past, then take some time to figure out why, and work to fix it.  Girlfriends can speak into our lives in a way that husbands can’t.  And I don’t know about you, but my kids aren’t so much speaking into my life as they are asking me for their 1,000th snack of the day.
  2. Marriage – A healthy marriage celebrates and supports what makes the other person happy.  My husband never once complained that I left him for four days with the kids while he balanced a very busy work season.  And guess what? I didn’t prepare a bunch of meals ahead of time, or kill myself trying to get all the laundry done.  I left them with some cash, gave them each a kiss, and I was off duty.  In your marriage, give each other time to invest in your friendships, hobbies, or the things that set your hearts on fire.  You will have a very happy spouse return to you, which really benefits everyone.
  3. You are more than a mom – The last night I was there, my friend and I stayed up until 3:00 in the morning watching both Pitch Perfect movies, and eating her kids’ Halloween candy.  Why did we do this?  Because we could! Because we wanted to soak up every minute having fun together before another year passed.  Because we wanted to pretend we were 20 years old again, and we wouldn’t suffer for our choices the next day.  Spoiler alert – it’s been three days and I think I’m still kind of suffering from that choice.  Would I change it?  No way!  It was so much fun to be a little irresponsible.
  4. Magnetic Masks – Seriously if you have a chance to use a face mask that comes off with a MAGNET, do it!! One of our traditions is to go to Sephora and buy face masks to have a spa night.  This year Sephora had a mask sampler pack so we each bought one.  It was so fun to just hang out in our robes, and experiment with this crazy mask that lifted right off when you ran the enclosed magnet across the surface.  It was magical! Maybe it’s not a magnet mask for you, but do something that’s fun and that’s just for you.
  5. The final lesson!  If you move to a place that has no snow, you’ll think you miss it, but you really don’t.  It sure is pretty though!

Maybe you won’t travel miles away to visit a friend, but plan something this month that will feed your soul; something that will fill you up.  You will become a better wife, a better mom, and a better friend to the other friends in your life.  I can’t wait until next year!!

How Do You Know When You Need To Rest?

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One year and five months ago I was diagnosed with Adrenal Fatigue.  If you want to know more about it, this is a great article, but the short answer is adrenal fatigue happens when you operate at a high level of stress for a long period of time, and then your adrenal glands sort of “burn out.” This results in your body not having enough cortisol, which is what gives you the energy you need to function.

My diagnosis provided a much needed answer to why I had been feeling so bad physically, emotionally, and mentally for so long.  I cried in my naturopaths office when we saw the blood work.  I wasn’t crazy.  There really was something wrong with me.

I had to change my diet (something I am still struggling with), I had to start taking about thirty thousand supplements (just kidding, it was really four), and I had to start RESTING! In fact, my naturopath ordered me to cut anything out of my schedule that wasn’t absolutely necessary.  I had to go to work.  I had to take care of my family.  But almost everything else went bye-bye.  I slept a lot.  I sat around and did nothing a lot.  I started to feel slowly better.

One year after my diagnosis, I was feeling better but not as good as I should have been feeling.  We did another round of blood work, and found that another one of my hormones had tanked over the past year.   (When I asked her why that had happened, she said, “Well, you’re no spring chicken.”  Thanks.  Thanks a lot.) We added one more medication, and suddenly it was like the sun was shining, birds were chirping, and all was right with the world!

Well, at least I started to feel a lot better.  Having normal levels of energy again suddenly felt like having super hero levels of energy again.  I jumped back into life!!

And then a month ago I started to feel the crippling fatigue creep back in.  Yep, I had pushed it too much.  The very kind of schedule that led me here in the first place was pushing me back the one place I didn’t want to be.

I was talking to one of my clients a few weeks ago, and she said that she can tell when she’s too stressed, and not taking care of herself when she goes to bed without brushing her teeth.  That got me thinking: What’s my indicator? What tells me I’m pushing it too hard?  Because you know what? I don’t want to end up back in the throws of adrenal fatigue.  It’s not fun for me, but it’s not fun or fair for my family either!

I realized that my indicator is that I start going to bed without washing my face.  Washing my face takes about one minute tops, so if I can’t muster up the energy to do that, then something is wrong.  I love being aware of this, because it is such a simple test of how I’m doing.

This week I went to bed three nights in a row without washing my face.  (I know! Yuck!). I took the time to notice it, and ask myself, “Okay, what does my soul and body right now?”  Do you know what they needed?  They needed me to go to bed last night instead of write this week’s blog post. That meant it didn’t get posted first thing Tuesday morning like it normally does.  At first I felt bad about that, but then I thought, “Did anyone die?” Nope! “Did I get good rest last night?” Yep!

I wasn’t even going to write one this week, because giving myself grace is one of the new self-care techniques that has helped me climb out of the adrenal fatigue pit I was in.  But then I got my kids settled after school, and decided I wanted to write this.  That’s also part of my new self-care:  listening to myself, and actually following through on the things that will bring me life.

So ask yourself: What is my indicator that I’m running on fumes, and then what do I need to do to refill my tank?  Believe me, filling the tank before it gets empty is way easier than letting it run dry!